I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for everything. It’s not your fault that I fell in love with you. It’s mine. I am man enough to admit that. It’s 100% my fault.
Imagine living your whole life wishing that you could meet someone like you. Thinking it would solve all your problems. Thinking it would fix your love life. If only I could meet someone like me, you tell yourself.
Then… there they are. A random re-blog from a random blog you follow on tumblr. It’s a picture. It’s a girl. She looks interesting. You dig deeper. You read her blogs.
Her style of writing…
Perhaps you think alike? So, you start looking at the list of things she likes. You compare it to the list of things you like. They’re nearly identical.
- We both smoke massive amounts of weed.
- We both like anime, the same anime(s).
- We are both open minded and accepting of other cultures.
- We are both in (or were in) interracial relationships. We don’t mind. Love is love.
- We both have branded ourselves and are building upon these brands.
- We are both incredibly social on the internet.
- We’ve both been homeless…
- We’ve both faced ridicule and opposition because we were in interracial relationships.
- We’ve both dealt with bouts of depression and suicide.
- We’ve both followed our hearts, only to watch it end in disaster.
You want to work with her. You want to help her.
I’m Not A Stalker, Just Someone Who Cared Too Much
So, despite all these similarities. Despite the fact that I am attracted to alternative black girls (which you are) and put them at the top of my preference pyramid (an awesome word I just invented as I’m writing this and will be using from now on). Despite the fact that I truly believe (in my heart of hearts) that you would be perfect for me and that we’d get along very well, I am told that I am a creep and a stalker.
It’s like having a twin that hates you. It’s awkward and confusing. It’s bewildering.
The truth is I didn’t go to Erik’s funeral to stalk you. I went to pay my respects to Erik. My final respects. If I didn’t see him then, I would have never gotten to see him ‘in person’. I also knew you suffered from social anxiety. I wanted to be there for you, to comfort you in any way possible. I also knew that there was a 50/50 chance you wouldn’t even show up. I went anyway.
Unfortunately, somewhere along the lines there was a miscommunication. Due largely in part to the fact that you wouldn’t even give me the common courtesy of picking up the phone, returning my calls, or responding to my text messages. You went dark. You went incommunicado. I was left with no choice but to make my own decisions and I don’t always make the best decisions.
Buying a plane ticket and taking off immediately may seem like a psychotic idea to you, but in my world (my friends and I) do it all the time. We are all very spontaneous people. My family members even say I am the most “get up and go” person they know.
The Part That Bothers Me The Most
I saw potential in you. I saw potential in us working together to build our brands. But… you wouldn’t even give me a chance. I wasn’t worthy of a simple phone conversation. I wasn’t worthy enough to be called a friend. I wasn’t worth a face-to-face meet up –– not even a cup of coffee, a drink, or a simple smoking session.
The truth is I have an addictive (obsessive) personality… and you were my new obsession.
The fact that you were willing to respond to me in the beginning and that you were willing to work with me (on some level) only added fuel to the fire. And when the shit hit the fan, I told myself…
I can save her. I can be her new bean. I can be bigger and better than Erik ever was because I have the means to do so. I can be Erik 2.0. I’ll give her everything. I’ll have her back. I’ll give her the keys to the castle… and she’ll never have to feel that type of pain ever again.
The Ultimate Irony
In the ultimate irony, you’ve said (yourself) these exact same things. You’ve felt the way I currently feel, and yet you can’t see it in me. It’s like you’re blind to your own reflections.
And So, I Bid You Adieu
After I made the payment to the gofundme, I saw how upset and sad you were on YouTube Live. It made me feel awful. It was never my intention to make you feel sad or angry. All I ever wanted to do was help you out. To be there for you. I just want you to be happy. But if my presence in your life (even if it’s only online) makes you unhappy, then it’s time for me to bite the bullet and say my farewells.
Just know that I wish things were different. I wish I could have met you in some other type of way, under different circumstances. I wish you would have gave me a chance.
And, for what it’s worth, I love(d) you Cassandra Julien…
Peace, Makell Bird.